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TO BE READ BEFORE PLAY BEGINS BY CAST MEMBER, PREFERABLY THE JUDGE Welcome to the (Name of Drama Group)’s presentation of The Big Bad Wolf’s Day in Court. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the story of the three little pigs and the wolf. According to the fairy tale version, the wolf tried to catch and eat the pigs by huffing and puffing and blowing down their houses, houses which were made of flimsy straw and sticks. Fortunately, the third little pig’s house was made of bricks so the wolf was unable to blow it down and all three little pigs were safe inside. We believe that this version of the incident may not be accurate and we feel that the wolf is entitled to a trial to determine if he is really guilty or innocent. There may have been come extenuating circumstances that were beyond anyone’s control which resulted in the destruction of the houses built of straw and sticks. As with any trial, the jury will determine whether the defendant, in this case the wolf, is innocent or guilty. We would like to ask a few members of the audience to serve on the jury. In a few minutes the prosecuting and defending attorneys will select the jury. Now sit back, relax and let the wheels of justice turn as the trial begins. Thank you. By Bob Apold Cast of Characters Mr. B. B. WOLF, under indictment for destroying pigs homes, rakish outspoken character JUDGE Amy Verdad, presiding JUDGE at trial, either male or female, regal judicial bearing Prosecuting Attorney, male or female, professional, no nonsense character Defending Attorney, mafia-type lawyer, wears hoodlum suit, packs a gun BAILIFF, dressed like a jester, gets increasingly bored with proceedings Daisy Mae Pig, lives in straw house, frivilous, fun-loving Bonita Pig, lives in stick house, frivilous, fun-loving like her sister Napoleon Pig lives in brick house, macho guy, dresses in coveralls, wears tool belt Winnifred Wellington WOLF, defendant’s doting mother Weatherman Willard Scott, dressed for stormy weather The entire play takes place in a courtroom. Simple set with tables and chairs for attorneys, raised judge’s bench and chair, witness chair, bailiff chair and extra chairs on one side for witnesses and jury on the other. (Courtroom, setup similar to regular courtroom judge’s bench with witness box and chair alongside, stage left. Two tables with chairs for Prosecutor and Defense Attorney to right and left at slight angle towards judge’s bench. Six jury chairs stage left, witness chairs stage right. Judge’s bench has gavel and large Fairy Tale Book Bailiff, Lawyers, Wolf and Witnesses enter. As lawyers enter from opposite sides of stage, they collide center stage, both fall, and papers they are carrying are scattered on floor. They mutter accusations at each other while gathering their papers, each picking up a few documents of the other. All rise! Hear ye! Hear ye! This court is now in session, the Honorable Judge Amy Verdad presiding. (Judge enters and as he or she starts to sit, notices no one is paying attention.) Hello!!!! (in loud voice, Judge then starts to sit but pauses about halfway down, then quickly stands. Everyone has to stand again.) (Judge aside to audience) I love to do that. (Judge then sits and members of court follow suit. The Prosecuting and Defending Attorneys may now begin the selection of the jury. (The Prosecuting and Defending Attorneys stand, walk toward each other and begin playing Paper/Scissors/Rock to determine who gets to pick first. In turn, they each look over the audience, and alternately select six people from audience. The selected jury members take their seats, stage left.) JUDGE (Judge leaning toward Bailiff) What case are we trying today? The Three Little Pigs vs. Mr. B. B. WOLF, your honor Mr. B. B. WOLF, please rise. You stand charged on the following counts: 1. You did unlawfully and deliberately destroy the homes of Miss Daisy and Miss Bonita Pig and attempt to destroy the home of Mr. Napoleon Pig by means of huffing and puffing and forcefully blowing. 2. In destroying or attempting to destroy these homes, it was your intention to threaten and devour said pigs. 3. That the above actions did create a public disturbance and deprived many of the residents of the neighborhood of peace and quiet. These incidents allegedly occurred on or about the 6th of December, 2004, in the village of Los Rios, District of Ancon, Republic of Panama, with intent to commit an indictable offense therein, contrary to the provisions of Section 2158 of the Criminal Code of Panama. Mr. Wolf, how do you plead to these charges? Guilty or Not Guilty? Not Guilty, of course. You see I was a victim of circumstances and I’m convinced the three pigs made up this whole story just to put me in a bad light. I also think their mother was involved as well as their friends and I …… (Pounding gavel): Order! Order in the Court! Mr. Wolf, any more unsolicited outbursts and I shall order you bound and gagged. Do you understand? Is the prosecution ready? (PA nods yes) And the defense? (DA nods yes) Fine, let us proceed with your opening statements. Mr. PA, you have the floor. (Reading from a prepared statement) Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I ask you to look at this poor misjudged wolf and ask yourselves, could such a gentle, loving creature have committed such a crime. Wait a minute, this is not my statement. (PA stomps over to DA, throws the statement down on the table and grabs the correct statement. Reading the right prepared statement, the PA begins anew) Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution intends to present concrete evidence showing that Mr. B.B Wolf did deliberately and with malice, destroy the homes of Miss Daisy and Miss Bonny Pig for the sole purpose of being able to capture and devour them. In the process, he disrupted the peace and quiet of the neighborhood. Thank you. Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I realized you just heard this, but I ask you to look at this poor misjudged wolf and ask yourselves, could this gentle, loving creature have committed such a crime. (Wolf displays ingratiating smile to jury) His mother will testify to his gentle and peace-loving character. We will show that through no fault of his own, Mr. Wolf suffered from an acute allergy which caused him to sneeze and which along with gusty wind conditions on the day of the incident, caused the two homes to collapse. Thank you for your attention. (During above, Wolf takes out large hanky and blows nose) (PA calls Miss Daisy Mae Pig to the stand. Daisy Mae skips in carefree manner to witness stand.) (Bailiff approaches to swear in Miss Daisy. She raises her right hand while placing her left hand on the book of Fairy Tales) Miss Daisy, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help your Fairy Godmother? Please state your name and where you live. Daisy Mae Pig and I live, or I should say lived, at 123 Bacon Drive in Los Rios. My home is terrible condition. I mean, it is no longer a home, just a bunch of scattered straw and broken furniture. PA Would you please tell the court the circumstances leading up to the destruction of your home. MISS DAISY Well, two days ago I was sitting inside my house watching The Bugs Bunny/Daffy Duck Show on TV - that is my favorite show - when I heard someone knocking at my door. I looked out the window and saw B.B Wolf standing at my front door. Mr. Wolf knocked again and said, “Open the door Miss Daisy and come out and play with me.” Golly, I wasn’t about to open the door and let that bad old wolf grab me. Al he wanted to do was eat me. I told him, “I won’t open the door, not by the hair of my chinny chin chin. PA You actually saw Mr. B.B. Wolf huff and puff and blow your house down? Well, he became very angry and threatened to blow my house down. And that is what he did. I heard him huffing and puffing and suddenly my house began blowing away, there was straw everywhere. I had been doing my nails and there was straw stuck on all my fingernails. That really upset me. Then the furniture began flying and before I knew it there was the wolfe staring at me with a hungry look. I was very scared so before the wolf could do anything, I ran across the yard and into the house of my sister, Bonny. I told her what happened and she quickly locked the door. PA Thank you, no more questions. We’l let your sister testify as to what happened next. Yes, your honor. (Strolling up to the witness stand with a smirk on her face) Now Miss Daisy, you stated that your were inside your house, heard a knock on the door, looked out the window and saw the wolf standing there. And then you say Mr. Wolf became angry when you refused to open the door after he asked to come out and play? Uhuh, that’s right, I wasn’t about to let that mean old wolf eat me. And what makes you think that was his intention? Well that is what a wolf does, right? It’s the nature of the beast, so to speak. I mean look at all the stories about wolves, they are always eating people. Just ask Little Red Riding Hood or Bo Beep. Perhaps there are wolves who do as you say, but Mr. B.B. Wolf did not eat you or any other pig, is that correct? I guess so. But I stil think he would have eaten me if I hadn’t run to my sister’s house. Enough on that topic. Now as to the destruction of your house, did you actually see the wolf blow it down? Well I heard him huffing and puffing outside the front door and the next thing I knew the house was destroyed. I see, but you did not actually see him blow your house down, is that correct? Ah, actual y I didn’t see him blow down my house, but my house did blow down so it had to be the wolf who did it. Ah, but there could be another explanation. Maybe there was a sudden gust of wind. Your house was made of straw, which is a very flimsy material, and even a moderate gust of wind could have easily demolished your house. Do you think that is possible? Well, I don’t know, I suppose that might have happened. Your honor, I would like to call Miss Bonita Pig as my next witness. (Miss Bonita Pig, taking tiny steps like Bette Midler, takes the stand, raises her left hand and places her right hand on the book) Your other right hand, Miss Bonny, if you please. (Miss Bonny, snorts, changes hands and is sworn in by the Bailiff.) Miss Bonny, you heard you sister’s testimony, would you please describe what happened after she ran into your house. Well Daisy ran in and I could she was very frightened. She told me what had happened and I quickly locked the front door. Moments later, there was knock on the door. I looked out the window and saw Mr. B.B. Wolf standing at the door. He knocked again and pleaded for me to open the door to come outside and play. Of course, I wasn’t about to open the door because I know what wolves are like. I object!! Hearsay evidence. Miss Bonny has no direct knowledge of what wolves are like except from reading fairy tale stories. Objection sustained. Miss Bonny, please refrain from using second hand information in the future. Mr. PA continue. We heard the wolf huffing and puffing and moments later my house flew apart. Sticks were scattered all over the yard and the furniture was bent and broken. My sister and I quickly ran over to our brother Napoleon’s house. He let us in and locked the door. No your honor, Miss Bonny’s testimony has the same inconsistencies as her sister’s story. Very well, Mr. PA do you have any more witnesses you wish to call? I would like to call Mr. Napoleon Pig to the stand. (Mr. Napoleon pig, walking like a farmer through a plowed field, takes the stand.and is sworn in. At this point Bailiff is becoming bored with the swearing in and does it sloppily. When he sits down in his chair, he slouches, and eventually falls asleep.) Mr. Napoleon, you have heard the testimony of your sisters. Now I would like to have you tell us what occurred after they entered your house. (In a scruffy, no nonsense voice): Well sir, my sisters ran into my house and I could see they were both very frightened. Not taking any chances, I quickly bolted the door, and as they began telling me what happened, there was a loud banging on my front door. My sisters screamed, “It’s the wolf, it’s the big bad wolf and he wants to eat us.” I know enough about wolves not to trust them around folks like us, pigs I mean, so I yel ed at the wolf, “Go away, we don’t want you around here.” The wolf banged on the door again then he stopped. I heard a huffing and puffing sound and then there was a rush of wind against the door. Now my house is solid, built of bricks, and there is no wind short of a tornado, that could damage it. So I didn’t worry and I laughed trying to console my sisters. I glanced out the window and saw the wolf leaving. A few minutes later he returned carrying a ladder. Oh oh, I thought, he is going to climb the roof and try to enter the house through the fireplace chimney. Fortunately, I had a big pot of pork and beans cooking on the hearth so I lifted the lid off the pot and added more wood to the fire. A few minutes later, the wolf came sliding down the chimney and landed right in the pot. He yelped, jumped out of the pot, and ran out the front door which I had conveniently opened for him. That is about it. We had no more problems with Mr. Wolf after that. PA Thank you Mr. Napoleon. I have no further questions. Just one your honor. Mr. Napoleon, you say that after Mr. Wolf knocked on the door and you refused to open it, he found a ladder and tried entering your house through the chimney. Admittedly, that is an unusual way to enter a house unless you are Santa Claus. Nevertheless, you deliberately removed the lid from the boiling pot of pork and beans, knowing full well that the steaming hot soup would scald Mr. Wolf when he slid down the chimney, is that right? I was only trying to protect myself and my sisters. I was convinced that Mr. Wolf was up to no good and in my mind, his intentions were to enter my house, grab me and my sisters and gobble us up. So you admit, you meant to cause bodily harm to Mr. Wolf when you removed the lid from the pot of scalding pork and beans? Yes, I meant to harm him because he was trying to harm us. You are excused Mr. Napoleon. Mr. PA, who is next on your list of witnesses? If it please the court, I would like to call Mr. Willard Scott, weatherman for the Today Show. (Mr. Scott, wearing a raincoat, boots and carrying a large umbrella, takes the stand and is sworn in.) Mr. Scott do you have any records for the weather conditions in the Los Rios area for the date of the alleged incident? Well actually, I have records for the region in general but not for the specific neighborhood. Please tell us what the weather was like on that date and in particular, what were the wind conditions. A warm front had moved through the area in the morning, causing some scattered showers, but by midafternoon, the skies had cleared and it was a typical dry season day with scattered clouds and a steady gentle wind blowing out of the north at 5 to 10 mph. Was there evidence of any strong gusting winds, winds strong enough to blow down a house built of straw or sticks? As I stated, the afternoon wind was steady and out of the north; however, our instrumentation cannot measure wind strength in every area. It is not uncommon for an occasional strong gust to occur. No your honor, the witness has stated what I wanted to hear, that a strong gust of wind might have occurred on the date of the incident. Mr. PA, do you wish to call any more witnesses? PA Very well, Mr. DA you may call your witnesses. SCENE 3 (DA calls Mrs. Winifred Wolf to the stand and she is sworn in by the clearly bored Bailiff.) Please state your name and your relationship to the defendant. Ms Winifred Wolf and the defendant is my son. Ms Winnie, could you please give the court a little background on the childhood of your son, and perhaps touch on some of his achievements during his youth. First of all, I would like to say that I had to raise Wolfie all by myself. When Wolfie was still a baby, my husband was shot by a trigger-happy hunter. Oh the tragedy!! Anyway, Wolfie was always a good boy, he never got in trouble and he had many friends, even some pigs. He even told me he wanted to invite the pigs over to the house for dinner. He was a good student in school and was on the wrestling team. He made all-state in his senior year. He never got into any kind of trouble with the law and that is why I am so surprised that he is being charged, unjustly I might add, with the destruction of the two houses. Can you think of anything about your son that may have given the two little pigs reason to believe that he blew down their houses? Actually I do. You see my son suffers from an allergy. This is an especially bad time of the year for him and he has to take medication every morning. If he forgets to take it, he has an awful sneezing fit. (laughing) You know he is quite a sneezer. I remember one Sunday when he ran out of medicine and the pharmacy was closed, he sneezed at the dinner table and blew all the plates, glasses and silverware clear into the living room. You would have thought a mini tornado had blown through the house. Do you think one of his sneezes could have blown down the houses of the two little pigs? Oh, yes. One sneeze would be all it would take to demolish a straw or stick house. One other question. Do you know if your son has ever deliberately sneezed on a house or some other structure for the purpose of destroying it? My boy would never do anything like that. He is an absolute angel. He loves everyone, even pigs. By all means. Ms Winnie, you testified that your son would never maliciously blow down any structure with a sneeze. For that statement to be true, you would have had to be with your son every time he sneezed and I doubt if you witnessed every one of his sneezes, isn’t that right? Well of course I was not always with him when he sneezed, but I know my boy and he doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body. I have to ask myself, why would he want to blow someone’s house down with a sneeze, what would it gain him? He wanted the pigs to be his friends, he wanted to invite them over to our house for dinner. He would certainly not risk losing their friendship by deliberately blowing down their homes. I call to the stand, Dr. Mortimer Quack, a distinguished and renown allergist. (Judge bangs gavel to wake up Baillif. Dr. Quack is reluctantly sworn in by sleepy Baillif and takes the stand.) Dr. Quack, I understand Mr. B.B. Wolf was a patient of yours. Would you please tell the court the medical condition you were treating him for. Mr. Wolf has been a patient of mine for the past three years. When he first came to see me, he was suffering from acute allergic attacks. He displayed the usual symptoms, running nose, watery eyes, and periodic nasal discharges – what you call sneezing. I had never encountered such forceful sneezing in all my years as an allergist. Why the first time he sneezed in my office, he blew everything off my desk, including my lunch. I prescribed Allegra and as soon as he began taking it, his symptoms were brought under control. Unfortunately, he must take the medication the rest of his life because if he misses a dosage, his symptoms return. Doctor, do you know if Mr. Wolf was on his medication on the day when the houses of the two little pigs were destroyed? He did stop by my office the day before the incident to get his prescription renewed. He was all out of Allegra. That was late Saturday afternoon. The pharmacy closes at 5 pm on Saturday and is closed on Sunday. It was almost 5 pm when he left my office so I doubt if he had time to fill the prescription. (Dr. Quack corrects PA by loudly stating his correct name in a duck-like tone, QUACK.) PA Dr. Quack (slowly pronounces Quack making it two syllables), you say Mr. Wolf ran out of Allegra. Could you tell the court how soon after he took his last pill would the allergic symptoms appear? I would say sometime between 6 and 8 hours. By the next morning, he would exhibit all the allergy symptoms – watering eyes, running nose, sneezing fits. Thank you Dr. Quack. No further questions. Your honor, as my last witness, I would like to call Mr. B.B. Wolf. (Wolf takes the stand, notices the Bailiff is asleep and then kicks his foot to awaken him. Bailiff gets up, stretches, yawns and swears in wolf.) Mr. Wolf you have heard testimony from the three little pigs, as well as from your mother, the weatherman Mr. Scott and your doctor. I would like you to tell the court briefly, and I emphasize the word briefly, what happened on the day of the alleged incident. Certainly, I am a wolf of few words, so I will be as brief as possible, and not stretch out my version of what happened with a lengthy narrative which would probably bore everyone, especially my mother who is always criticizing me for going on and …… Banging his gavel, Mr. Wolf, be brief, please. We don’t want to spend the rest of the year listening to your elaborate version of the incident. Yes your honor. Here is what happened. About a week ago, I happened to bump into Little Red Riding Hood in the woods and that darling girl gave me a whole basket of cookies which she was taking to her grandmother. Either the grandmother didn’t want the cookies or wasn’t home, anyway I ended up with the cookies. There were too many for me to eat so I decided to ask the little pigs to come over to enjoy them. When I knocked on the door of Daisy Pig’s house, she refused to open up. I couldn’t understand her behavior, because after all I am a likeable and generous wolf. About then I felt a sneeze coming on. I had run out of Allegra the day before and even though I got another prescription from Doc Quack, the drug store closed before I could fill it. Anyway, I had to sneeze in the worst way. I tried turning away from the pig’s house because I knew it was made of straw, but the sneeze exploded from me before I could act. Next thing I knew Miss Daisy was standing in a pile of straw. She took one look at me and started running away. I love to watch little pigs run so I yelled out, “Run Forest, run.” She ran all the way to her sister’s house and dashed inside. The rest is history. The same thing happened at Miss Bonny’s house. I couldn’t help it, but you know, I do remember that the wind had picked up about the same time and that may have contributed to both houses being blown down. In other words, what happened was an accident and the wind may have contributed to the destruction of the two houses. Is that correct? Absolutely!! I would never deliberately sneeze on a house because I know what my sneezes can do. And besides, I really like little pigs. My Mom and I were thinking of having them for dinner. I am innocent of all these charges. I admit I am guilty of having an al ergy, but I don’t think that is a crime. I should have gotten my prescription renewed earlier, but with the cookies that Red Riding Hood gave me, I was busy planning a little surprise party for my dear friends Daisy and Bonny Pig. Thank you for being so honest. No further questions. I wish it were possible to give a lie detector test to Mr. B.B. Wolf, but I know such tests are not admissible evidence at a non-capital crime trial. I have no questions for Mr. Wolf. Your honor I have no further witnesses. The defense rests. SCENE 4 (Addressing the jury) The jury is now charged with deliberating this case. You have heard all the evidence and now you must determine if Mr. B.B. Wolf is guilty of the charges or if he is innocent. If there is reasonable doubt as to his guilt, then you must find him innocent. The jury may take a reasonable amount of time in its deliberation. When you have reached a verdict please let the Bailiff know. Jury is left to debate the verdict. When they reach a decision, the jury foreman signals the Bailiff, whispers the verdict to him and he in turn tells the Judge. Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, what is your verdict? We find the defendant (guilty or innocent) of all charges. (Depending on the verdict, use one of the following dialogues) Mr. Wolf, a jury of your peers has found you guilty of the charges. Bailiff, take him away. Sentencing will be conducted a week from today. The wolf howls at the verdict and protests his innocence as he is led away by the Bialiff. Mr. Wolf, a jury of your peers has found you innocent of all charges. You are hearby ordered released and are free to leave the courtroom. (The wolf jumps for joy and hugs everyone including the Judge.)

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