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Celery contains androsterone, a hormone naturally produced inmales that stimulates sexual arousal in females. Whether or not thishormone found in celery actually affects the body is still unclear. Buthey, the vegetable has it so it's a plus. AskMen.com
It had been a tough spring for me. TomiSue, my bodacious long-
time live-in girlfriend, had delivered the ultimatum after a Jabba theHut figurine had fallen on her head during a night of wild ear lobenibbling; either get rid of all my Star Wars collectibles, which linedthe walls of my bedroom, den and screened-in porch, or she wasgone.
TomiSue and Jabba the Hut: The choice was easy.
I had always loved TomiSue's hair, which reminded me of Carrie
Fisher's bagel-based pageboy, but the choice for me was clear; anywoman who wanted me to give up a healthy outlet for
Available online at «http://fictionaut.com/stories/con-chapman/celery-viva-
veggie-viagra»Copyright 2010 Con Chapman. All rights reserved.
my imagination, one that had carried me through a lot of lonelynights and weekends, was asking too much.
Carrie Fisher as Princess Leia: “Sesame bagel toasted with creamcheese—got it.”
Our separation was amicable, and the division of jointly-held
property uneventful; she got the souvenirs from our fun-filled daytrips to Lake George, New York and Niagra Falls, and I kept the StarWars collectible plastic drink cups we purchased on the road. ThankGod for my palimony pre-nup!
Actual un-retouched photo of Lake George souvenirs
But now I'm at loose ends. Years of dusting my Star Wars
collection had left me with atrophied interpersonal skills, and themattress-rattling sex life that I shared with TomiSue had taken meout of circulation. Then I stumbled on AskMen.com one night whiledoing an innocent web search involving the terms “VEGETABLE” +“CHEERLEADER” + “SEX.”
Niagra Falls: Now available in a wide selection of designer colors.
It was AskMen.com that unlocked for me the secret to success
with women—celery! Who knew? Just a few stalks will have around-shouldered, introverted schlump like me oozing androsteroneout of every pore! In addition to the fumes that seem to linger aftermy nightly large pepperoni from Gino's Pizza (518-742-GINO).
For the first day of my new regime I have chosen a vertically-
striped shirt to emphasize my muscular upper-body, with the top twobuttons undone so as not to block the flow of “andro,” as street-smart would-be gigolos refer to the potent aphrodisiac.
I hit the door of my favorite lunch place—”Soup ‘n Salad”—and
hesitate for a moment as I contemplate the air of mystery that hangsover the place. Why, I ask myself, if you're going to abbreviate“and” as “n” don't you use two apostrophes—'n'—instead of one?You got rid of two letters, an “a” and a “d”—one before and one afterthe “n.” Perhaps, as my fourth-grade nun used to say when I'd
stump her with a question about the Holy Trinity or the Communionof Saints, these things will be answered in heaven.
“Yoo-hoo! Mr. Single Salad Lover! Over here”
I make my move to the salad bar, where a veritable bevy of slim,
girlish beauties awaits me. I pick a svelte brunette as my firsttarget, and make my move past a pot-bellied desk jockey who'dobviously prefer to be at Wendy's. Wouldn't do you any good, I sayto myself; they cancelled the Taco Salad several years ago.
“How do the pickled beets look today?” I say with a leer.
“Disgusting, as always,” she replies. She's taken the bait.
“Perhaps you should try some celery,” I say, picking a jagged
cross-cut section of apium graveolens out of the aluminum bin inwhich it rests. I dangle it out of the corner of my mouth and shelooks at me with what I think is barely-suppressed lust.
“You're supposed to use the tongs,” Mr. Roly-Poly to my right
“Buzz off,” I mutter under my breath. He's taken aback at my
brusqueness, but if I judge him right, he's not man enough to reportme to the Soup ‘n Salad Sneeze Shield Police.
My quarry has escaped down to the far end of the bar, where the
extensive selection of regular and low-cal dressings awaits to adornthe vegetable delights that patrons will pile high in two sizes ofplastic containers, either large or small. These, I remind myself withpatriotic pride, are the plentiful fruits of the US of A—the greatestagricultural power the world has ever known!
My love interest is about to glop a dollop of the fat-free Thousand
Island on her salad, when I make my move. “Aren't you forgettingsomething?” I ask as I put my hand on her wrist, my chest heavingwith passion.
She looks up into my eyes, and I can tell I've broken through the
thin door of reserve that civilized men and women must erect everyday to contain the inner fires of the basement furnaces of their lust.
“You're right,” she says, her eyes downcast as if she's looking for
“I thought so.”“I forgot the crispy rice noodles I always sprinkle on top.”“Not that, the . . .”
“They add texture and make a tasty complement to any salad, and
they're a delicious snack by themselves.”
I gulp, not knowing what to say, or where this is going.
“Thanks,” she says finally. “Thanks a lot.”
And then she's gone, racing off to join the rest of her secretarial
pool—or maybe they're just “word processing pools” these days.
“Excuse me,” a voice says, interrupting my reverie as I watch her
“What do you want?” I snap at him.
“Some of the pickled beets,” he says, stretching his big hairy arms
in front of me, a shot across my shattered bow. “And some celery.”
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